Love Language

As I picked up dog poop earlier this evening, I spontaneously resumed my off and on quest to identify my deeper love language beyond the obvious, and it dawned on me as the sky dimmed a little over our tiny yard, right before I came back in through the glass door, that my love language is sacrifice.

I have always thought it was service, and for sure it is too, but a version that is led by self-denial and sacrifice, especially always giving up my scarce free time that I could have been pouring into my creativity -- a process that my artistic soul madly craves for and needs as much as the body needs air to breathe.

It hurts, but maybe at some point, self-actualization is not my true assignment in this life after all, no matter how much purpose I feel called to fulfill, no matter how much wonderful gifts I'm born with and feel inclined to hone.

Maybe it is my true purpose?

Tankie's Gone...I'm Grieving Differently

 It's been seven months since my last post.  The past months had been full of ups and downs, mostly mental anguish but within manageable levels.

-

to be continued...

I Think I am Advanced Grieving

I may not see the concrete connection yet between not being keen on seeing anyone especially on big occasions like the upcoming Thanksgiving Dinner and softly cradling in my mind the delicate thought of losing my dog (though I haven't and he is still doing okay after his cancer diagnosis last month with the help of steroids) but this is exactly how I grieved after I lost my parents. I didn't want to see nor talk to anybody for a couple of years.  

I'm torn between honoring this feeling or fighting it, for the sake of being proper to my usual circle of family and friends who, of course, would love to have me celebrate with them.

But for now, I have made the decision to spend a quiet Thanksgiving with hubby and the dogs.  We will share a steak with Tankie and have a quiet movie night in our pajamas, cuddling each other.

Also because...

With this stormy personal revolution (evolution?) that's going on inside my heart, career-wise (and dharma-wise?), until that's settled, I feel that staying home and not subjecting myself to further noise would be therapeutically the best for now.